full disclosure: i’m writing from a place of shame, confusion, and overall frustration right now. i’m sitting with this feeling of mom-guilt, and i’m actually annoyed at myself for it.
here’s the deal: logan is 17 months old, and i let her watch tv for the first time today. the tv has been on around her before, let’s get real here, but never a show that i put on specifically for her to watch. she was running around our newly finished basement, and as i was getting our tv set up i popped on some daniel tiger sort of as an experiment. she had never really shown interest in the tv before, choosing to instead rip up the toilet paper from the bathroom, climb in the kitchen cupboards, or attempt to scale the shelves in my closet to get at mama’s ‘pretties.’ to my absolute shock, she sat down and watched it. and sang along. and i saw that look on her face – you know the one – where you focus in on the show and kind of forget what’s going on around you? i saw it happen for a few seconds, and then she looked at me and smiled, to see if i was singing along. for those few seconds, my stomach actually dropped.
there are so many recommendations, and guidelines, and opinions out there on parenting, and screen time is a hot button issue. i was just chatting with another mom-friend about how i really don’t ‘google all of the milestones/guidelines for logan’s age’ [don’t you love living in the age of google? HOW DID OUR PARENTS DO IT?!], so i’m not really sure what my baseline for all kinds of things is supposed to be [can she still use a bottle? a nook? when should she start potty training?]. i do know, that sitting there next to logan as she watched daniel tiger, i felt intense waves of shame and guilt for letting my child watch tv. you know what?. i shouldn’t HAVE to feel that. because of all of these ‘rules’ that are put out there, i’m meant to feel like a bad mom. and i’m not. i’m actually a really good mom. my kid is happy, she’s healthy, and she has a huge network of people that love her.
this was a good reminder that i need to not only stop judging myself and trying to compare myself to all the standards set by others, but i need to stop judging others. i’m trying to be more conscious of it, but i am only human and catch myself going ‘well i wouldn’t do that!’ or ‘i’m not THAT kind of mom!’ [in my head of course]. so, today i’m going to allow myself a little grace, and i hope, mom or not, that if you are reading this, you also allow yourself a little grace. we are really all doing the best we can.
