i know. i felt the weight of the shame [no pun intended] as i typed that. because who am i not to appreciate pending motherhood in all of it’s soft, glowing glory? except it’s not always sunshine and rainbows, and sometimes i don’t recognize myself when i look in the mirror.
you see, post-college i started taking better care of myself, really hitting my ‘wellness’ stride when i was 25. i do some form of movement nearly every day, i eat way healthier than i ever used to [don’t worry, reeses are still a staple in my diet, because #balance], and i am just in a much better place physically and mentally … usually. pregnancy threw me for a loop the first time, but in my mind, it was fine because the weight i was putting on would aaalllll come right off when i nursed my new baby, and at 6 weeks i’d be back to working out and BOOM. i’m young, i’ll be back in pre-baby shape. let me tell you, it’s much harder than that, and i never quite returned to my pre-baby weight. i was happy with my body, though, at the one-year mark after having logan.
now i’m sitting here, waiting for stretch marks to pop up [i managed to escape them last time … thank you genetics + burts bees belly butter!], and beating myself up for not eating healthier during my first trimester [um, morning sickness kels, hellloooo], not working out more [back pain, yo], and overall just not having one of those ‘belly only’ pregnancies. first of all, writing all of that out helps put it in perspective, because it’s all ridiculous. i need to flip the script and start focusing on what i’m thankful for
- i get to have another baby!!!! hello! my first kid is SO awesome, and such a day-brightener, and i get to have another! seriously, though, at the end of the day, being blessed with the opportunity to bring another tiny human into our family i something i can never lose sight of.
- perspective: i had a ROUGH transition into motherhood. outwardly it might not have looked like it [or maybe it did], but i struggled on maternity leave. i could not get back to work fast enough and regain some of myself that i had lost when i had been turned into a walking milk machine. i now have that perspective, along with the knowledge that it does get better and this weird, newborn twilight zone is just a phase, and hope that it serves me when the time comes to bring this new little guy home. heck, i might even really enjoy it?!
- a body capable of growing a human! seriously, i need to be more grateful for this. joey and i are thoroughly blessed with one kid, and we didn’t have to struggle to get pregnant with either. that, in and of itself, is a miracle and a blessing. getting to hear that this baby, too, is healthy and see him bopping around on the ultrasound … that’s amazing.
- the strength to carry this kid, both mental + physical. morning sickness is no joke, the back pain is no joke, trying to pick up a toddler that things going limp when you are carrying her is no joke … mom’s, i salute you.
at the end of the day, it’s these things i need to focus on and be grateful for when i start getting annoyed because my pants don’t fit or i can’t see the same definition in my arms i swore i could a few months ago. at the end of the day, i get to make this world a better place by way of bringing a child into it. i’m going to practice active acceptance – i may feel frustrated with my body, but i’m also going to couple that frustration with gratitude.