confronting systemic racism: where i’m committing to put in the work

i’ve been writing this post in my head for days. when i saw the news alert that a black man had been killed by a minneapolis police officer, my first thought was “oh no, here we go again.” [first thought = wrong, but i’ll explain that later]. i had no idea that this would bring the entire country to it’s knees. and here, in little old minnesota. “minnesota nice” – it’s a thing! that’s what I kept thinking to myself over and over and over when this first happened. “this kind of thing doesn’t happen here – WHAT IS GOING ON?” fast forward a few days to the aftermath of the protests and subsequent riots that followed george floyd’s death. it finally hit me that “yep, this kind of thing DOES happen here … and it happens all the time.” i’ve been living in this blissful, beautiful bubble of white privilege, where i love everyone, therefore i’m not racist and racism doesn’t impact me. boy, am i wrong. now, i most definitely do not identify as a racist and I love people for who they are, but i’ve unknowingly been silent and even partaken in the paradigm that is racism in what should be this ‘free country.’ there’s a long road to changing a centuries-old paradigm, but here is where i’m starting.

recognize my biases.

i am the daughter of a white former minneapolis cop…and i have been estranged from my dad for the better part of a decade. talk about a complicated perception and relationship with law enforcement, right? i grew up thinking that law enforcement were misunderstood, always in the right, and a shining example of what good in the world is. you know your parents’ friends, the ones that are your “uncles” and “aunts”? yeah, mine were all cops. and you know what? most of them are great people. i truly believe that the system is set up to fail the black community, good cops or not. don’t get me wrong – i think the majority of the bunch is good, but how do you start to confront the big picture when you’re in the middle of it? [i mean, i have a few ideas on where minneapolis in general can start, but i’ll save that for another day]. i grew up with biases I didn’t even know I had. I listened to governor walz talking, and a thought popped into my head “liberal!” [and not in a good way]. that wasn’t even ME thinking, it was my bias. the real, rational, second-thought me thinks that governor walz has an incredibly tough job, and given the circumstances, he’s been doing a good job of showing up for his state. i know i have plenty of unconscious AND conscious biases, and i am committing to challenging my biases.

first thought wrong.

some of you know this about me, but i’ve been sober for almost five years. in getting sober, I have put a lot of tools in my toolbox, and one of them is “first thought wrong.” you know that first thought that pops into your head when you see/hear/experience something? odds are it’s wrong, at least for me. the conclusion i jump to, the bias i experience; it’s wrong. and it’s fleeting, but it sets off a chain reaction. when i look away instead of smiling at someone who doesn’t look like me; that’s wrong. when i make snap assumptions based on what i see of someone without knowing their background, story, or situation – that’s wrong. i am committing to pausing, and waiting for that second [and third, fourth, fifth] thought.

i am part of the problem.

it’s easy to look away, to remain uneducated. i’ve been guilty of it for *basically* my whole life. just because i’m not a racist doesn’t mean i’m anti-racist. that was eye opening for me in my beginnings to educating myself. by me not being educated, i am considering myself complicit in perpetuating systemic racism. i am committing to educating myself beyond my comfort zone as a privileged white female.

it is a lot of work to acknowledge and try to change my biases. without doing so, though, i can’t possibly think that i’m doing my part to create a safe and productive society. i am not setting my children, their friends, and the future generations of this country up for success until i’m fully cognizant and own my biases.

two last things …

it goes without saying, but i don’t think every one in law enforcement is bad. i personally know [and detest] some of the bad ones, and i know even more of the good ones. i have a brother who forfeited his young adulthood to serve our country in the marines and my maternal grandfather, a cop, was one of the most noble, honorable, and pure people you would have ever met. we all [law enforcement included] play a part in changing this entire system, and i am committing to be a part of that change.

given that, i’ll be going dark for the remainder of the week. you guys don’t need to know what i’m #influenced by, or what i picked up at target. for the first time in two years, golden thirty will not have posts for the rest of the week to show solidarity. i’ll see you all next week. in the meantime, be safe, be thoughtful, and make an impact.